News

I have restored most of the pages on the side bar. They should all have notations that they are just references. I've also added generations 6 and 7 to the LP list but the runs don't and won't have pages for quite a while since I need time to both remember how to make them and then make them.

 

I'll likely be reviving Coffee Hour.

I have restored most of the old pages. The content isn't available, but the information is. I plan to add the projects created during the 2020-2024 period to the LP list and aught else for reference, though there isn't a lot.

 

I've also updated a few pages, adding 2025 Anime reviews that I could recall for example. As time permits I'll modernize some articles and portions of the website that need tidying.

An ancient evil awakens. Rather, phallic imagery has lead to the rediscovery of mindfulness.

 

Nearly five years after Gameproc's CMS system broke and I waited for Lavarinth to do anything to fix it, I spent 15 minutes researching startpage and github and seem to have (at least superficially?) fixed everything myself thanks to community pull requests.

 

That means that, finally, I can edit and add pages to the website again after years of dead time. This doesn't solve the most prominent issue with the site, of course - hosting the content - but it does mean I can, for example, add articles and other material once again.

 

My last post (edit of a post, done via manually editing xml files) was some years ago. That was during the first half of 2023, when life turn an even darker turn than it already had in the three years prior. 2024 and the beginning half of 2025 have been similarly disastrous, with numerous deaths in my very limited circle of real-life acquaintences, financial hardship and escalating health problems.

 

However, there has also been progress. As perhaps the sole surviving member of the original CC community from the early 2000's other than perhaps RCX to have ambitions for content creation I have continued both video and game development in spite of the dark and quiet world you see before you. Gameproc may have slumbered, but my fires of defiance have burned yet. ApexX, though still but a conceptual project seeing only sparse experimental work, has nonetheless established curious subject matter, and I've created over 300 casts of various competitive game matches, multiple LP's and hundreds of hours of development material. The D&D campaign ABE is well under way and my spurrious work continues steadily if not extremely painfully.

 

All this time I have never, ever forgotten about Gameproc or my desire to return to the way things once were. Alas, despite research from many individuals it seems the only solution to hosting that exists in the entire planet is to locally host my content and pay for a business connection. This is simply not possible, so for the time being my video content will remain dark. That isn't to say I am not considering alternate content I may be able to bring to GP, especially now that I can actually work on the site again.

 

Things are the worst they have ever been. I have so many insane stories to tell you, and so many experiences to recount. It's only a matter of figuring out how to do so.

Currently public ApexX content.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alvH5NbSCns&list=PLEWU20hah9z_8cYzjJTzH88zUd339cmQJ

 

That's right, I'm manually editing a xml file to post news because all of Gameproc's admin system is completely hosed. I haven't been able to get in contact with Lavarinth for a long time and I don't know nearly enough to fix anything myself.

 

Let's have a girl talk.

 

At the end of 2019, things got super mega ultra giga bad. It was the beginning of the three-year (ofc it's three) peak of the ten years of hell that have obliterated my miserable existence up to this point. Most of you are following my internal content and those of you that aren't probably moved on since the hosting incident back then. For those of you still clinging to the hope that one day things might turn out for the better, I'm here to cave in your hopes and dreams.

 

First of all, let's discuss hosting. The reality is, DDL hasn't been a mainstream shtick since they pulled wool over everyone's eyes and window lickers sold their rights to cLoUd StOrAgE and other goofy memes. Coupled with the biblical disaster that has been "social media" and the landscape for file storage is not particularly encouraging. Websites like Archive.org are politically charged and you waive a lot of rights associating with them. Like any respectable content producer I'd rather have direct control over every single thing I create, how it's accessed, where it's accessed, and in what manner it's accessed. For example, I'm strictly opposed to downsampling, converting, comments and upvotes, viewcounts, etc. What I had on GP prior to 2019 is what I want to go back to. No compromises.

 

As the cost of file storage continues to plummit laughably low the whole situation only becomes more and more comical. But, I digress. If you want my content there's places you can get it easily. You just need to know me well. Shrimple as. An online solution is not likely to happen unless someone I know gets their own shard.

 

I still cling to the futile belief myself that, one day, we'll be able to bring this site to life again. But, chances are if I do that in the short term (e.g. if it ever gets fixed), it will become a small landing zone for ApexX and that's it. If you checked that youtube channel I linked above you'll see all it contains is some phone game vomit and the AXX videos. That's all it will ever have.

 

As far as internal releases go, suffice to say my productivity in the last three years has been terminal. I got to doing a lot of things I needed to do - finishing the BW run, showing how bad the Doom reboots are, and even snagging Stray before things hit absolute barrel bottom in the third quarter of last year. But a lot of projects are perpetually stagnant and probably won't ever improve.

 

After narrowly avoiding a double death incident, walking ancient seniors through the overblown meme that is Covid, last year topped us off with yet another eviction. That's right, I've been displaced twice in less than ten years and three times in 17 years and that's not even approaching how bad things were before then where we were forced to move every few months for almost all of my early life. Suffice to say, due to the insane leap in the cost of living in this country on top of the general inflation in the West, my full-time nurse responsibility coupled with a mounting list of injuries, the thought of having to relocate yet again was not a particularly joyous one. I'll spare you the melodrama and sum it up as what it is: life-ending. We had to throw out virtually every single thing we owned, including most of our clothes, food and furniture, just to squeeze into the tiniest apartment possible - the ONLY apartment even heard back from in over three and a half months. The cost is not any cheaper than the house; we aren't saving any money, and along the way I added another extremely substantial injury to my right foot that nearly immobilizes me completely.

 

To summarize as concisely as possible, 2023 has kicked off to be a complete, utter fucking disaster even by the margins set forth by the last ten years. It tops off non-stop death, misery, loss and heartache with total devastation to finances, physical and mental grounding, and environmental stability. I'm not even going to try to tackle the concept of casting or working in this environment - I spent an hour-long Coffee Hour going over just that recently. Suffice to say, I get maybe 1-2 hours of sleep a day due to anxiety. Claustrophobia, noise, and people are all major contributors to extreme panic attacks I've had to fight all of my life, and these days are spent mostly laying in bed freaking the absolute fuck out because I can't stop my mind and heart from racing uncontrollably.

 

Like I detailed in the aforementioned Coffee Hour, I never wanted to start every statement with some stupid rant about how everything is shit and life is shit and I sure wish things would not be shit for a change. But it's not like I've been handed anything else to work with. From the attacks on my person and sabatoge of my projects in 2017 to the limitless minor grievances like every single interaction with various landlords or financial institutions, there seriously hasn't been a single month in the last ten years that hasn't had something monumentally stupid going on.

 

I still want to make content. I want to work in Unreal and I hope one day I can do general casting again. But, man, literally every single fucking thing is out to stop me from doing that.

 

I went to the effort to try to get a post out just to tell you I'm still here. I may not be for very long at the rate I'm going, but for now, I'm still fighting for that silly, idyllic future where I can make dumb videos and laugh at bad companies again.

"provided nothing insane happens between now and then"

 

lol

 

lmao

"It was a nightmare. I kept thinking I'm about to wake up and it will all be over and it was just a dream."

It isn't a dream. Life is a joke. It's supposed to be funny. So, why aren't we laughing?

I have posted a very short glimpse of the Apex X project on that one shitty silicon valley website.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alvH5NbSCns

 

DDL for much larger and more in-depth discussions is still planned for December, provided nothing insane happens between now and then. You know how life is.

I am still fighting. Nearly nine years since all this insanity first began I am still here, still fighting. I've lost everything I cared about along the way. Most of the people I once thought were my friends have turned their backs on me. I've lost what little semblance of a home I thought I had. All projections for a worthwhile outcome have burned to ashes. In the last two months one of the only people I know irl has been effectivelly declared braindead and I nearly died myself. I am at peace.

 

Yet, I am still fighting. I always have always been fighting. I limp a little bit more than yesterday. I drag my feet somewhat more heavily. My breathing is more haggard and my vision is blurrier than I remember. But I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Stubbornness. Some consider it a virtue. Mayhaps it is a curse. This soul is not simply ready to die quite yet.

 

I still stand. Just barely. But I do. 2022 has been brutal. Life continues to throw punch after punch and taking piece after piece with every swing. I laugh. I roll with the punches. I bleed. But I'm still here. Just for a while longer.

 

With AW's completion I've been devoting time to modernizing SS. At the turn of the insane heat in summer I began to push more and more to work on ApexX again instead. I hope to have a public conceptual presentation by the end of the year. Until the last couple days I wasn't sure I'd be around to even do that. I was close to posting what would have been my last Coffee Hour and final good-byes. The house of cards has crumbled and everything is drifting in the sea like chunky vomit flotsam. Somehow, for the moment, we find ourselves afloat using our own, inflatable prostate.

 

I'm tired. I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. My body has well had enough. But still I keep forcing myself forward. I am a creator. It is my nature. I'll die with a sword in my hand. I fear nothing. Not death, not pain. I am awaited in Valhalla. They can wait a little while longer.

 

I'll show you soon. It isn't much. But it's something. I did something. I made a thing. I did things. I released LP's. I worked on my game. I helped a few brothers out. I'm not dead yet. Only death will stop me now. Could be tonight. Could be tomorrow. Who cares? I haven't cared since this time last year. I'm not going to care now. What's done is done. There is no turning back. No walking away. Here I am.

 

24 years. It's been 24 years since I first got into digital content creation. What a long, strange journey it has been. Almost every single person I met along the way has moved on years ago. As far I'm concerned, they simply weren't creators - only drifters. I thought I was a drifter. I lived as a shadow. It is true, in some respects. But really, my heart has always been right where it belonged. It simply couldn't breathe with all this smoke. I know that, now. I see things for what they really are. I've tried to walk away so many times, but I always ended up right where I began, asking those silly questions again. I was simply too afraid to take the steps into the unknown necessary to begin carving the path I needed to begin all those years ago.

 

Well. Here I am, now. Don't expect greatness. Don't ask for success. Just keep walking. Just keep fighting. Nothing else matters.

 

They did not know fear. They were simple creatures. It helps to be simple. I envy it all. I can't be like them. I've tried. Now, I can't be anything. It's close enough. Let's get some work done.