Currently public ApexX content.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alvH5NbSCns&list=PLEWU20hah9z_8cYzjJTzH88zUd339cmQJ
That's right, I'm manually editing a xml file to post news because all of Gameproc's admin system is completely hosed. I haven't been able to get in contact with Lavarinth for a long time and I don't know nearly enough to fix anything myself.
Let's have a girl talk.
At the end of 2019, things got super mega ultra giga bad. It was the beginning of the three-year (ofc it's three) peak of the ten years of hell that have obliterated my miserable existence up to this point. Most of you are following my internal content and those of you that aren't probably moved on since the hosting incident back then. For those of you still clinging to the hope that one day things might turn out for the better, I'm here to cave in your hopes and dreams.
First of all, let's discuss hosting. The reality is, DDL hasn't been a mainstream shtick since they pulled wool over everyone's eyes and window lickers sold their rights to cLoUd StOrAgE and other goofy memes. Coupled with the biblical disaster that has been "social media" and the landscape for file storage is not particularly encouraging. Websites like Archive.org are politically charged and you waive a lot of rights associating with them. Like any respectable content producer I'd rather have direct control over every single thing I create, how it's accessed, where it's accessed, and in what manner it's accessed. For example, I'm strictly opposed to downsampling, converting, comments and upvotes, viewcounts, etc. What I had on GP prior to 2019 is what I want to go back to. No compromises.
As the cost of file storage continues to plummit laughably low the whole situation only becomes more and more comical. But, I digress. If you want my content there's places you can get it easily. You just need to know me well. Shrimple as. An online solution is not likely to happen unless someone I know gets their own shard.
I still cling to the futile belief myself that, one day, we'll be able to bring this site to life again. But, chances are if I do that in the short term (e.g. if it ever gets fixed), it will become a small landing zone for ApexX and that's it. If you checked that youtube channel I linked above you'll see all it contains is some phone game vomit and the AXX videos. That's all it will ever have.
As far as internal releases go, suffice to say my productivity in the last three years has been terminal. I got to doing a lot of things I needed to do - finishing the BW run, showing how bad the Doom reboots are, and even snagging Stray before things hit absolute barrel bottom in the third quarter of last year. But a lot of projects are perpetually stagnant and probably won't ever improve.
After narrowly avoiding a double death incident, walking ancient seniors through the overblown meme that is Covid, last year topped us off with yet another eviction. That's right, I've been displaced twice in less than ten years and three times in 17 years and that's not even approaching how bad things were before then where we were forced to move every few months for almost all of my early life. Suffice to say, due to the insane leap in the cost of living in this country on top of the general inflation in the West, my full-time nurse responsibility coupled with a mounting list of injuries, the thought of having to relocate yet again was not a particularly joyous one. I'll spare you the melodrama and sum it up as what it is: life-ending. We had to throw out virtually every single thing we owned, including most of our clothes, food and furniture, just to squeeze into the tiniest apartment possible - the ONLY apartment even heard back from in over three and a half months. The cost is not any cheaper than the house; we aren't saving any money, and along the way I added another extremely substantial injury to my right foot that nearly immobilizes me completely.
To summarize as concisely as possible, 2023 has kicked off to be a complete, utter fucking disaster even by the margins set forth by the last ten years. It tops off non-stop death, misery, loss and heartache with total devastation to finances, physical and mental grounding, and environmental stability. I'm not even going to try to tackle the concept of casting or working in this environment - I spent an hour-long Coffee Hour going over just that recently. Suffice to say, I get maybe 1-2 hours of sleep a day due to anxiety. Claustrophobia, noise, and people are all major contributors to extreme panic attacks I've had to fight all of my life, and these days are spent mostly laying in bed freaking the absolute fuck out because I can't stop my mind and heart from racing uncontrollably.
Like I detailed in the aforementioned Coffee Hour, I never wanted to start every statement with some stupid rant about how everything is shit and life is shit and I sure wish things would not be shit for a change. But it's not like I've been handed anything else to work with. From the attacks on my person and sabatoge of my projects in 2017 to the limitless minor grievances like every single interaction with various landlords or financial institutions, there seriously hasn't been a single month in the last ten years that hasn't had something monumentally stupid going on.
I still want to make content. I want to work in Unreal and I hope one day I can do general casting again. But, man, literally every single fucking thing is out to stop me from doing that.
I went to the effort to try to get a post out just to tell you I'm still here. I may not be for very long at the rate I'm going, but for now, I'm still fighting for that silly, idyllic future where I can make dumb videos and laugh at bad companies again.